Well hello,
I must say life as an Ordinand is not your normal kettle of fish, commiting to a regular cycle of prayer and reflection is not all that easy, especially as what I consider my study, resembles more of a Sylvanian Family retreat centre. As I tip toe through the plastic city carefully trying to avoid crushing a Sylvanian charactor on my way to my chair I often reflect is this what a trainee vicars study should look like?
"Do you not like any melons Alex?" came the question from the colleague on my left as my fellow trainee Clerics enjoyed thier starter at our recent study weekend in the Lake District. A dramatic pause followed as I looked across the table at one of my friends who has a distinction in hairdressing who nearly choked on the pips of her honeydew melon. "Well, I replied, there's a couple of melons I did like but they weren't with me at Theological college!
I suppose the purpose of this blog is to convey the message that in my short experience as a man following Jesus there is an awful lot of humor within the church and I must indeed say thank God for that!
The process for selection to train for Ordained Ministry is a rather long and difficult one and it would probably be easier to tell you the criteria you didn't need to fulfill to commence training within the Church of England but needless to say you are assessed considerably and if your choice of underwear is slightly controversial it may even be suggested that God is calling you to something else!
Once you have fulfilled the set criteria in your local diocese you are sent off to what is know in Church circles as a BAP which stands for Bishops Advisory Panel. I was sent to a delightful rural setting called Shallowford House which is in Staffordshire and I can assure you it is beautiful but also a most unusaul and surreal experience. It is a little bit like Britains Got Talent or X factor for perspective Vicars only with no buzzers and slightly more intense. The panel is over a couple of days and learned people, usually a Bishop, a Vicar and a lay person grill you on all things from lifestyle, to charactor, education to faith but during the weekend all the candidates of which there may be up to twenty or so, are invited to talk for around seven minutes to the group on a Christian subject and then facilitate a discussion on your chosen subject.
I have had the pleasure or frustration, i'm not sure which of having to attend a BAP twice as on my first attempt, I wasn't succesful or as the Church described 'not ready' and on reflection I wonder if the following little tale had a part to play in me not 'being ready'.
I spent many hours prior to BAP considering my topic and felt it would be good to go with a meaty and dense subject to arouse some heated debate and good discussion.
In my group there were only nine candidates and to determine who went first, we drew playing cards and the good Lord decided I would draw the eight of spades and be the penultimate one to present to the group.
I felt quite calm and relatively confident as I took my place in the horseshoe arrangement of chairs and wanted to make sure I made a valuable contribution to the heated discussions that awaited.
Off we went and the conversations were jovial and enthusiastic but I was slightly aware that the content from my peers was quite gentle and very considerate. We discussed ways to worship, contemplative prayers and I think the most controversial it got was wether the group considered it a good proposal to remove a bell from the decaying bell tower because the cost to keep it ringing would place a significant stretch on Church resources.
And so it was my turn, to present my allocated seven minutes to my fellow candidates.
It went something like this,
'Ladies and gentlemen, today I want to talk to you about the demonisation of homosexuals in Uganda and the utter intloerance of the Ugandan government who are considering a motion to penalise actively gay people with the death penalty'. I also want to discuss with you my fundamental oposition to those opposing the Ordination of women within the Anglican community".
All in seven minutes!
Well I felt I presented quite confidently, with clear concise points and was sure it would arouse some thoughtful reflection and stimulating debate from the group. I took my seat and asked, 'Are there any questions?' I was met with a wall of silence! It was like that Xfactor moment when the comedian delivered the first punchline and the audience sit motionless and very, very still.
After what seemed an eternity someone offered a brief response and it was like pulling teeth in trying to get people to enter the controversy for fear of putting 'foot in mouth'. The Assessors around the room remained expressionless and I feared the worse, but that was only to follow.
The last person to present to group chose the politically charged and highly emotive subject of Children groups, and delighted in telling us the successes that had been achieved in her Church and wanted to hear from the candidates some of our success stories. It was at this point that I believe it was probably decided I was, 'not ready' to proceed to training. Feeling I needed to redeem myself somewhat I offered up my experience of Kids ministry in my home Church. At the time the Church had a teenage group called the H H H club, that's the H H H club, so that is the H H H club, got it?
My mind at this point had gone wondering and I was a bit all over the place and began wittering about our organisation back in Lancashire.
It went something like this,
'At our Church we have a fantastic teenage group that we call the K K K club, and it just great'. I was interupted, 'Sorry did you say the K K K club?' My response was, Yes, the K K K club'. To which I was asked, 'You have a club, named the K K K club? 'Yes I insisted, the K K K club'.
It was only conclusion of the presentation when I retreated to my room with my cup of green tea, which I have never drunk before or since did I reflect on the repetitive questioning of our highly successful K K K club!
'No, no, no, no, no, no what have I done? It's not the K K K club its the H H H club, no, no, no. no. no!
Oh my God !!!!!!!!!!! I have just told a panel of esteemed people and fellow candidates that our church has a youth group with the same abrievated initials as the radical right wing bunch of Nazi rascists the Klu Klux Klan. That was a slip of the tongue I coundn't retract. I considered talking to the Bishop or Panel secretary, but thought what if they didn't notice, could I only be making matters worse?
It was awful just awful, I had no sleep and I needed a minor miracle to get me out of this pickle, I struggled to focus for the remainder of the Panel.
When I was informed I wasn't being put forward, I was totally devastated, but for some strange reason among all the madness of the story above they asked me to come back the following year when in reality they could have scalded me and told me never to cross the doors of Shallowford house again.
But they didn't and the following year, my subject was a lot less gentle, as I talked about my favorite Psalm, which is incidentally Psalm 55 and was signifcantly less controversial than homosexuality in Africa and women and the Priesthood.
I steered well clear of Childrens ministry, and kept a quite counsell if things got a little intense.
In hindsight I can see the humor in this blog, but I can tell you it was one of the most painfull setback I have encountered in fact it WAS the most painful setback I have ever encountered, but on reflection I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am generally a very impulsive and impatient person and even now if I was offered the opportunity to be Ordained tomorrow I would take it, but that would be me doing what I wanted and not what God desired. I have come to the conclusion that some things must be left in his hands, and this is one of them. And so by his desire and by his grace my Ordination will be in 2015, and that is just fine. The setback has enabled me to meet some very interesting people and I have been placed in wonderful environmnents. I have blossoming friendships with my fellow Ordinands some of which I suspect may last for a long, long time, sometimes things just happen because that's how its meant to be.
In between commencing and concluding this blog, I dropped my son and his buddies off at skate park in Blackpool, I drove up to the promenade and parked the car. With my dog Fletcher at myside we walked up the beach to St Annes on sea, and as I tired I contemplated turning round and walking back to Blackpool, however just a few more steps led to me to a small floral garden where I noticed a Bronze statue, I approached the statue and discovered it was of my great comedy hero, the wonderful Les Dawson. A simple plaque laid at his feet and I smiled greatly. Les Dawson always made me smile, in his life and in his death. He taught me the value of laughing, and crying and laughing again and again.
Sometimes it's just meant to be.
Love to you all,
Alextheanglican.
I must say life as an Ordinand is not your normal kettle of fish, commiting to a regular cycle of prayer and reflection is not all that easy, especially as what I consider my study, resembles more of a Sylvanian Family retreat centre. As I tip toe through the plastic city carefully trying to avoid crushing a Sylvanian charactor on my way to my chair I often reflect is this what a trainee vicars study should look like?
"Do you not like any melons Alex?" came the question from the colleague on my left as my fellow trainee Clerics enjoyed thier starter at our recent study weekend in the Lake District. A dramatic pause followed as I looked across the table at one of my friends who has a distinction in hairdressing who nearly choked on the pips of her honeydew melon. "Well, I replied, there's a couple of melons I did like but they weren't with me at Theological college!
I suppose the purpose of this blog is to convey the message that in my short experience as a man following Jesus there is an awful lot of humor within the church and I must indeed say thank God for that!
The process for selection to train for Ordained Ministry is a rather long and difficult one and it would probably be easier to tell you the criteria you didn't need to fulfill to commence training within the Church of England but needless to say you are assessed considerably and if your choice of underwear is slightly controversial it may even be suggested that God is calling you to something else!
Once you have fulfilled the set criteria in your local diocese you are sent off to what is know in Church circles as a BAP which stands for Bishops Advisory Panel. I was sent to a delightful rural setting called Shallowford House which is in Staffordshire and I can assure you it is beautiful but also a most unusaul and surreal experience. It is a little bit like Britains Got Talent or X factor for perspective Vicars only with no buzzers and slightly more intense. The panel is over a couple of days and learned people, usually a Bishop, a Vicar and a lay person grill you on all things from lifestyle, to charactor, education to faith but during the weekend all the candidates of which there may be up to twenty or so, are invited to talk for around seven minutes to the group on a Christian subject and then facilitate a discussion on your chosen subject.
I have had the pleasure or frustration, i'm not sure which of having to attend a BAP twice as on my first attempt, I wasn't succesful or as the Church described 'not ready' and on reflection I wonder if the following little tale had a part to play in me not 'being ready'.
I spent many hours prior to BAP considering my topic and felt it would be good to go with a meaty and dense subject to arouse some heated debate and good discussion.
In my group there were only nine candidates and to determine who went first, we drew playing cards and the good Lord decided I would draw the eight of spades and be the penultimate one to present to the group.
I felt quite calm and relatively confident as I took my place in the horseshoe arrangement of chairs and wanted to make sure I made a valuable contribution to the heated discussions that awaited.
Off we went and the conversations were jovial and enthusiastic but I was slightly aware that the content from my peers was quite gentle and very considerate. We discussed ways to worship, contemplative prayers and I think the most controversial it got was wether the group considered it a good proposal to remove a bell from the decaying bell tower because the cost to keep it ringing would place a significant stretch on Church resources.
And so it was my turn, to present my allocated seven minutes to my fellow candidates.
It went something like this,
'Ladies and gentlemen, today I want to talk to you about the demonisation of homosexuals in Uganda and the utter intloerance of the Ugandan government who are considering a motion to penalise actively gay people with the death penalty'. I also want to discuss with you my fundamental oposition to those opposing the Ordination of women within the Anglican community".
All in seven minutes!
Well I felt I presented quite confidently, with clear concise points and was sure it would arouse some thoughtful reflection and stimulating debate from the group. I took my seat and asked, 'Are there any questions?' I was met with a wall of silence! It was like that Xfactor moment when the comedian delivered the first punchline and the audience sit motionless and very, very still.
After what seemed an eternity someone offered a brief response and it was like pulling teeth in trying to get people to enter the controversy for fear of putting 'foot in mouth'. The Assessors around the room remained expressionless and I feared the worse, but that was only to follow.
The last person to present to group chose the politically charged and highly emotive subject of Children groups, and delighted in telling us the successes that had been achieved in her Church and wanted to hear from the candidates some of our success stories. It was at this point that I believe it was probably decided I was, 'not ready' to proceed to training. Feeling I needed to redeem myself somewhat I offered up my experience of Kids ministry in my home Church. At the time the Church had a teenage group called the H H H club, that's the H H H club, so that is the H H H club, got it?
My mind at this point had gone wondering and I was a bit all over the place and began wittering about our organisation back in Lancashire.
It went something like this,
'At our Church we have a fantastic teenage group that we call the K K K club, and it just great'. I was interupted, 'Sorry did you say the K K K club?' My response was, Yes, the K K K club'. To which I was asked, 'You have a club, named the K K K club? 'Yes I insisted, the K K K club'.
It was only conclusion of the presentation when I retreated to my room with my cup of green tea, which I have never drunk before or since did I reflect on the repetitive questioning of our highly successful K K K club!
'No, no, no, no, no, no what have I done? It's not the K K K club its the H H H club, no, no, no. no. no!
Oh my God !!!!!!!!!!! I have just told a panel of esteemed people and fellow candidates that our church has a youth group with the same abrievated initials as the radical right wing bunch of Nazi rascists the Klu Klux Klan. That was a slip of the tongue I coundn't retract. I considered talking to the Bishop or Panel secretary, but thought what if they didn't notice, could I only be making matters worse?
It was awful just awful, I had no sleep and I needed a minor miracle to get me out of this pickle, I struggled to focus for the remainder of the Panel.
When I was informed I wasn't being put forward, I was totally devastated, but for some strange reason among all the madness of the story above they asked me to come back the following year when in reality they could have scalded me and told me never to cross the doors of Shallowford house again.
But they didn't and the following year, my subject was a lot less gentle, as I talked about my favorite Psalm, which is incidentally Psalm 55 and was signifcantly less controversial than homosexuality in Africa and women and the Priesthood.
I steered well clear of Childrens ministry, and kept a quite counsell if things got a little intense.
In hindsight I can see the humor in this blog, but I can tell you it was one of the most painfull setback I have encountered in fact it WAS the most painful setback I have ever encountered, but on reflection I wouldn't have it any other way.
I am generally a very impulsive and impatient person and even now if I was offered the opportunity to be Ordained tomorrow I would take it, but that would be me doing what I wanted and not what God desired. I have come to the conclusion that some things must be left in his hands, and this is one of them. And so by his desire and by his grace my Ordination will be in 2015, and that is just fine. The setback has enabled me to meet some very interesting people and I have been placed in wonderful environmnents. I have blossoming friendships with my fellow Ordinands some of which I suspect may last for a long, long time, sometimes things just happen because that's how its meant to be.
In between commencing and concluding this blog, I dropped my son and his buddies off at skate park in Blackpool, I drove up to the promenade and parked the car. With my dog Fletcher at myside we walked up the beach to St Annes on sea, and as I tired I contemplated turning round and walking back to Blackpool, however just a few more steps led to me to a small floral garden where I noticed a Bronze statue, I approached the statue and discovered it was of my great comedy hero, the wonderful Les Dawson. A simple plaque laid at his feet and I smiled greatly. Les Dawson always made me smile, in his life and in his death. He taught me the value of laughing, and crying and laughing again and again.
Sometimes it's just meant to be.
Love to you all,
Alextheanglican.
