Hi Once again,
"You might want to pull those up" said the Nurse. "Pardon" I replied. "You might want to pull those up". And so I looked down to find my surgical trousers were around my ankles.14 years ago my surgical trousers were around my ankles as my wife was going through the trauma of a C-section as our first child was causing her some difficulty as he lay in the breach position. Some moments later after restoring my dignity, I was sat on a stool facing my quivering wife holding our baby boy Joseph whilst listening to Louis Armstrong sing "We have all the time in world" on the theatre music system, a memorable and very emotional experience.
Later that morning my parents arrived to see Joseph and I remember holding them both so tightly and uttering the words, "I finally understand how much you love me". And now some years later as my son journeys on through the teenage years, I often think towards the time he has his own children, and I wonder how he will deal with responsibility of being a Father.
So back to my parents and on this blog, My Father. He is 92 now, his name is John, he has a mental illness and he lives in a home, but it wasn't always like that.......
My old man was fifty years old when he had me, so he was generally regarded as old and often mistaken for my Grandfather, but in mind body and spirit he was much younger, much much younger, Everybody and anybody knew my Dad as Jack Frost, he was very chatty and would talk to absolutely anybody, he had a passion for many things, one being music, he was just brilliant on the piano, and bugged me to learn, and I regret very much not taking him up on his desire to pass on his skills for "tinkling the ivories" he was also passionate about sport, athletics in particular, he really was one of the best runners in the country and he always took great pride in the fact that he was selected for the Great Britain squad to run at the 1948 olympic games in London, an opportunity he regretfully declined. He was a sprinter and I remember as child spending many hours wearing his medals and polishing his trophies.
He was also very passionate and enthusiastic about me ! I was a terror at school, I worked badly, laughed frequently and went missing regularly. This caused my Mum much anxiety but my old Dad, just used to say "Don't worry, he will be fine!"
He was the most positive person I have ever known, he totally believed in himself and more importantly, me ! He used to stick signs around the house which simply read "Think Positive" which to be honest has kept me going on more than one occasion in later years, non more so than dealing with his own illness and my journey to be coming an Ordinand.
He used to sit night after night trying to teach me the subject of mathamatics, fractions, common denominators, division and multiplication only for me to wear him down with a total refusal to pay any attention. He would often escort me back to school after, absence and truancy, yet would always, convince the school I wasn't a bad lad and just needed a bit more support and encouragement he never accepted I was heading for failure.
Without wanting to turn this into a Biography about my Dad, I do very much want to turn this blog into a story about love. My passion for my faith, my desire to follow Christ is born out of the resounding message of love, not particularly about how the world was formed, or Noah and his Ark or David and Goliath but out of Jesus Christs' graphic and incredible self giving as his demonstration of love for his fellow human being.
Some people find it really hard to understand why I am an Ordinand, why on earth am I preparing to give the rest of my working life and beyond to serving God, and attempting to live a "good" christian life. I have asked myself the question many times, and it's only recently I feel that my Dad may have a role to play in this pathway, more than I had ever considered before.
The last few years or alternatively the first few years of dealing with my fathers illness have been the most mentally challenging and upsetting times of my life. His illness has pretty much developed alongside my pathway as a christian. Seeing him initially sectioned as he went missing, not for the first time, brought home the true realization that my Dad was not well. The guilt, oh the guilt to keep a loved one in a secure environment is overwhelming, he hated it, he didn't recognize his illness and couldn't understand why we were punishing him. To him we were punishing him, to us we were caring for him, it was not a nice place to be. Tests were done, trips out were allowed, and then the ultimate hammer blow by the mental health team which confirmed our worst fears, he was suffering from dementia. The eventual outcome resulted with my Father being placed into care he has been there for some time now, he has had real moments of suffering and we have had periods of more guilt and overwhleming hopelessness to the extent where we desperately hoped that God would intervene and give him peace.
However here we are some years later,still with moments of doubt, anxiety and pain but, I want to tell you about my Dad today. He is very settled, I see my Dad two to three times a week, We can't talk about a lot, it's pointless, he can't really deal with the here and now, but what he can do is to offer me his love! So much love you would never know, when I arrive, his eyes light up, he likes to hold my hand, and touch my arm, he looks at me with that same amount of pride he had for me as a boy, similar to that look of love he gave my son when he held him in his arms for the first time. He sometimes just says to me, "Your my son" and I say, "I know, and your my Dad" and he says in his southern accent, "Yeah, that's right" and he smiles! We talk about the old days, about Burnley, about his running days, and his music, and he happily believes in his own mind that he was never beaten in a race and that he is the oldest man in the world! I of course know that niether are quite that accurate.
I never thought, I would say i,m enjoying my Dad with his illness, but I have accepted I can't have my old Dad back, but I can enjoy the Father I have now!
God will decide when my Father is taken to heaven, God has taught me, through my Father the value of life, my Fathers purpose as a human being is still being served, he reminds me everyday the importance of love. It is above everything, without love, what do we have? Jesus said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself" It is not easy I know, but try we really must try. My Father is my inspiration to this day, his charactor is incredible, his attitude wonderful, and his enthusiasm for life and love for living is hopefully as inspiring to you as it is to me.
P.P My Father died on Saturday 1st June 2013, I kissed him goodbye, I shall miss him forever.
Alextheanglican.
"You might want to pull those up" said the Nurse. "Pardon" I replied. "You might want to pull those up". And so I looked down to find my surgical trousers were around my ankles.14 years ago my surgical trousers were around my ankles as my wife was going through the trauma of a C-section as our first child was causing her some difficulty as he lay in the breach position. Some moments later after restoring my dignity, I was sat on a stool facing my quivering wife holding our baby boy Joseph whilst listening to Louis Armstrong sing "We have all the time in world" on the theatre music system, a memorable and very emotional experience.
Later that morning my parents arrived to see Joseph and I remember holding them both so tightly and uttering the words, "I finally understand how much you love me". And now some years later as my son journeys on through the teenage years, I often think towards the time he has his own children, and I wonder how he will deal with responsibility of being a Father.
So back to my parents and on this blog, My Father. He is 92 now, his name is John, he has a mental illness and he lives in a home, but it wasn't always like that.......
My old man was fifty years old when he had me, so he was generally regarded as old and often mistaken for my Grandfather, but in mind body and spirit he was much younger, much much younger, Everybody and anybody knew my Dad as Jack Frost, he was very chatty and would talk to absolutely anybody, he had a passion for many things, one being music, he was just brilliant on the piano, and bugged me to learn, and I regret very much not taking him up on his desire to pass on his skills for "tinkling the ivories" he was also passionate about sport, athletics in particular, he really was one of the best runners in the country and he always took great pride in the fact that he was selected for the Great Britain squad to run at the 1948 olympic games in London, an opportunity he regretfully declined. He was a sprinter and I remember as child spending many hours wearing his medals and polishing his trophies.
He was also very passionate and enthusiastic about me ! I was a terror at school, I worked badly, laughed frequently and went missing regularly. This caused my Mum much anxiety but my old Dad, just used to say "Don't worry, he will be fine!"
He was the most positive person I have ever known, he totally believed in himself and more importantly, me ! He used to stick signs around the house which simply read "Think Positive" which to be honest has kept me going on more than one occasion in later years, non more so than dealing with his own illness and my journey to be coming an Ordinand.
He used to sit night after night trying to teach me the subject of mathamatics, fractions, common denominators, division and multiplication only for me to wear him down with a total refusal to pay any attention. He would often escort me back to school after, absence and truancy, yet would always, convince the school I wasn't a bad lad and just needed a bit more support and encouragement he never accepted I was heading for failure.
Without wanting to turn this into a Biography about my Dad, I do very much want to turn this blog into a story about love. My passion for my faith, my desire to follow Christ is born out of the resounding message of love, not particularly about how the world was formed, or Noah and his Ark or David and Goliath but out of Jesus Christs' graphic and incredible self giving as his demonstration of love for his fellow human being.
Some people find it really hard to understand why I am an Ordinand, why on earth am I preparing to give the rest of my working life and beyond to serving God, and attempting to live a "good" christian life. I have asked myself the question many times, and it's only recently I feel that my Dad may have a role to play in this pathway, more than I had ever considered before.
The last few years or alternatively the first few years of dealing with my fathers illness have been the most mentally challenging and upsetting times of my life. His illness has pretty much developed alongside my pathway as a christian. Seeing him initially sectioned as he went missing, not for the first time, brought home the true realization that my Dad was not well. The guilt, oh the guilt to keep a loved one in a secure environment is overwhelming, he hated it, he didn't recognize his illness and couldn't understand why we were punishing him. To him we were punishing him, to us we were caring for him, it was not a nice place to be. Tests were done, trips out were allowed, and then the ultimate hammer blow by the mental health team which confirmed our worst fears, he was suffering from dementia. The eventual outcome resulted with my Father being placed into care he has been there for some time now, he has had real moments of suffering and we have had periods of more guilt and overwhleming hopelessness to the extent where we desperately hoped that God would intervene and give him peace.
However here we are some years later,still with moments of doubt, anxiety and pain but, I want to tell you about my Dad today. He is very settled, I see my Dad two to three times a week, We can't talk about a lot, it's pointless, he can't really deal with the here and now, but what he can do is to offer me his love! So much love you would never know, when I arrive, his eyes light up, he likes to hold my hand, and touch my arm, he looks at me with that same amount of pride he had for me as a boy, similar to that look of love he gave my son when he held him in his arms for the first time. He sometimes just says to me, "Your my son" and I say, "I know, and your my Dad" and he says in his southern accent, "Yeah, that's right" and he smiles! We talk about the old days, about Burnley, about his running days, and his music, and he happily believes in his own mind that he was never beaten in a race and that he is the oldest man in the world! I of course know that niether are quite that accurate.
I never thought, I would say i,m enjoying my Dad with his illness, but I have accepted I can't have my old Dad back, but I can enjoy the Father I have now!
God will decide when my Father is taken to heaven, God has taught me, through my Father the value of life, my Fathers purpose as a human being is still being served, he reminds me everyday the importance of love. It is above everything, without love, what do we have? Jesus said, "Love thy neighbour as thyself" It is not easy I know, but try we really must try. My Father is my inspiration to this day, his charactor is incredible, his attitude wonderful, and his enthusiasm for life and love for living is hopefully as inspiring to you as it is to me.
P.P My Father died on Saturday 1st June 2013, I kissed him goodbye, I shall miss him forever.
Alextheanglican.
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