AGONY BEFORE
THE ECSTASY
Hello from Rydal Hall,
I write this blog on Sunday morning near the end of our penultimate
study weekend before the end of this year’s studies. I have not been blessed
with the picturesque view this time that overlooks the Rydal Hall gardens and
rolling countryside. On this occasion I have one of the less salubrious rooms
which has a much less romantic window
view, the car park !
It has been a rather somber weekend to be honest, I rather felt for our
guest speaker as between the studies the tea breaks the conversations were very
much about the future of our training institution. The sad news that the
college is to be wound up in the next 12 months is disappointing and unsettling
for the students who still have further studies to complete over the next few
years. Far from feeling ‘I’m alright Jack’ I feel the sense of frustration and
disappointment as students and tutors contemplate the future.
Alongside all of this I have yet to experience the ecstasy of what lies
ahead as my day of ordination draws closer. I have yet to feel happy that I
leave work in just six days to supposedly enjoy a long vacation before the big
day. It is fair to say that the mind games, the fears and anxieties are
probably at maximum right now and is compounded by the massive changes in my
life. Moving house, leaving work, being ordained, not being able to be at home
for important birthdays all appear to be taking their toll. The impending
anniversary of my Fathers’ death looms which evokes sad thoughts mixed in with joyful
memories, the cogs in the brain are working at overtime I can tell you!
One of the joys or not having to deal with ‘stress’ is it affords me
with waking up very early and I have beaten the alarm pretty much on a daily
basis for the last few months, and as I wonder around my new home waiting for
the kettle to boil I wrestle with the conversations in my head, Am I doing the
right thing? Is everything going to work out okay? Will I make it to the 4th
of July (Ordination day) in one piece? The kettle clicks and breaks the thought
process and I usually immerse myself in internet newspapers and endless links
to football reports to take me to another place before I wake the Frost
household.
I recall starting training three years ago, the long journeys, the sleep
overs away from home, the reading was all so exciting but now as I sit in my
room before our morning prayer cell, you find a man feeling rather weary and
looking forward to taking a well deserved break.
And yet in the doom and gloom of this blog, I remain utterly devoted to
my vocation. I believe and pray it will be worthwhile. To get to something
better sometimes we have to suffer and there is no greater demonstration than
that of our Lord Jesus. This journey to ordination is incredibly unique, it is
not something for the faint hearted, but out of difficulty out of turmoil can,
and will come peace.
I am spending a lot of time in prayer right now, for myself, for my
family, for my colleagues and for my ordinand peers. It is not an easy time, it
is a challenge, a change, a fear, but it is also rewarding, exhilarating,
honest and manageable (just) and to get to ordination by hook or by crook will
be a relief and wonderful achievement. The prospect of getting on with being a
curate and father is a goal worth striving for, reassured that God has
everything under control even if it sometimes feels to be not the case.
I have an emotional week ahead of me, I leave the place that has
provided for my family for 15 years, I leave some wonderful people behind, I
will miss them dreadfully and it will feel strange waking up this time next
week no longer a store manager but a man between jobs. I lose the control and
responsibility for sales, costs, health and safety, development, people,
customers, and I prepare to take on the responsibility of being an agent for
God.
If you are so inclined please pray for my family, for my children and my
best friend and rock, Sarah.
May God go with you this day and always
Much love
Alextheanglican.
