AGONY BEFORE THE ECSTASY

Hello from Rydal Hall,

I write this blog on Sunday morning near the end of our penultimate study weekend before the end of this year’s studies. I have not been blessed with the picturesque view this time that overlooks the Rydal Hall gardens and rolling countryside. On this occasion I have one of the less salubrious rooms which has   a much less romantic window view, the car park !

It has been a rather somber weekend to be honest, I rather felt for our guest speaker as between the studies the tea breaks the conversations were very much about the future of our training institution. The sad news that the college is to be wound up in the next 12 months is disappointing and unsettling for the students who still have further studies to complete over the next few years. Far from feeling ‘I’m alright Jack’ I feel the sense of frustration and disappointment as students and tutors contemplate the future.

Alongside all of this I have yet to experience the ecstasy of what lies ahead as my day of ordination draws closer. I have yet to feel happy that I leave work in just six days to supposedly enjoy a long vacation before the big day. It is fair to say that the mind games, the fears and anxieties are probably at maximum right now and is compounded by the massive changes in my life. Moving house, leaving work, being ordained, not being able to be at home for important birthdays all appear to be taking their toll. The impending anniversary of my Fathers’ death looms which evokes sad thoughts mixed in with joyful memories, the cogs in the brain are working at overtime I can tell you!

One of the joys or not having to deal with ‘stress’ is it affords me with waking up very early and I have beaten the alarm pretty much on a daily basis for the last few months, and as I wonder around my new home waiting for the kettle to boil I wrestle with the conversations in my head, Am I doing the right thing? Is everything going to work out okay? Will I make it to the 4^th of July (Ordination day) in one piece? The kettle clicks and breaks the thought process and I usually immerse myself in internet newspapers and endless links to football reports to take me to another place before I wake the Frost household.

I recall starting training three years ago, the long journeys, the sleep overs away from home, the reading was all so exciting but now as I sit in my room before our morning prayer cell, you find a man feeling rather weary and looking forward to taking a well deserved break.

And yet in the doom and gloom of this blog, I remain utterly devoted to my vocation. I believe and pray it will be worthwhile. To get to something better sometimes we have to suffer and there is no greater demonstration than that of our Lord Jesus. This journey to ordination is incredibly unique, it is not something for the faint hearted, but out of difficulty out of turmoil can, and will come peace.

I am spending a lot of time in prayer right now, for myself, for my family, for my colleagues and for my ordinand peers. It is not an easy time, it is a challenge, a change, a fear, but it is also rewarding, exhilarating, honest and manageable (just) and to get to ordination by hook or by crook will be a relief and wonderful achievement. The prospect of getting on with being a curate and father is a goal worth striving for, reassured that God has everything under control even if it sometimes feels to be not the case.

I have an emotional week ahead of me, I leave the place that has provided for my family for 15 years, I leave some wonderful people behind, I will miss them dreadfully and it will feel strange waking up this time next week no longer a store manager but a man between jobs. I lose the control and responsibility for sales, costs, health and safety, development, people, customers, and I prepare to take on the responsibility of being an agent for God.

If you are so inclined please pray for my family, for my children and my best friend and rock, Sarah.

May God go with you this day and always

Much love

Alextheanglican.