Hi
It has been just over three weeks since
ordination and the euphoria of that very special day and the emotion and
giddiness has now passed, The ordination cards have come down and been put away
for safe keeping, the adrenalin filled countdown to the big day has long gone
and now here I am as a man working out what happens next?
Well what happens next
literally is I am off to Holy Island from my bolt hole of St Johns College
which sits in the shadow of one of Britain’s most historical Christian settings
being that of the stunning Durham Cathedral. I haven’t slept well since I
arrived a few days ago and the double malt whiskey’s I have been indulging in
have done little to help me on my way. The company I am with is splendid,
colleagues and now friends form the mix for my final academic obligation for
2014/2015 and whilst I am happy to be here, part of me would like to be at home
and getting on with the day job and being with the family.
Holy Island
Holy Island
However here I am and
Durham is indeed a great place to reflect on all that has passed on all that
lies ahead, the emotions can be extreme and the future a little overwhelming as
I currently feel in a place of unnerving vulnerability. It’s that kind of feeling
when you start a new job, keen to do good things but naive and insecure about
doing matters properly in fear of making a mess. In recent weeks I have turned
into a bit of a flapper a fumbler a wobbler yet desperately intent on getting
through the early days impatiently striving to get to a place of familiarity
and comfort.
Here at Durham,
classroom periods are a mixture of interested learning time to moments of
drifting off with the fairies and thinking about Baptism visits, family
members, prayers, preaching, death and dying and my impending holiday abroad.
After working for the same business for 15 years all of sudden doing something
else is very difficult indeed. Being a ‘professional’ Christian is not that
simple. I am slowly getting used to wearing the dog collar and with that I am
beautifully afforded lots of smiles and good wishes as though I have become
this delightfully kind and attractive person overnight. Nobody has told me to
sod off yet although I suspect it is just a matter of time. And yet also with
the collar comes the responsibility of being a public figure and that is
something I am still working on as I often get a second glance from someone in
the street or a snotty child looking up at me oddly up as I queue in the
supermarket with my items from the reduced counter!
Time is something I am struggling with as well;
I have gone from not having enough hours in the days to do things to having
periods of great time to manage myself and my priorities and what I do next.
This has resulted in a combination of visiting, listening, understanding how
the rhythm of life as a Deacon should play out. Visits to the foodbank, the
school, the hospice, meeting clergy has been very informative but I struggle
committing to too much as I am reminded that the purpose of an newly ordained
person is as much about the ‘being’ as it is about the ‘doing’. However a
community center in the parish have made me so welcome and the banter between a,
wet behind the ears curate and some lovely older folk who share stories and
laughs as I serve them pea and ham soup or a nice pudding is something to
behold.
Joining an Anglo
Catholic church comes with much to learn, so much to wear and when to wear it,
so many traditions that if aren’t protected by us slowly slip away in time neve
r to be seen again and I really value and appreciate the importance of this in
our attempts to ensure Gods church remains a Holy space where unique and
beautiful worship is played out in a troubled part of Burnley for many years to
come. People are so kind and encouraging
but it is something I find overwhelming in itself and the gentleness I am
afforded is probably more than I deserve. It leads me to feel very blessed, My
training incumbent is I suppose what a good training incumbent should be,
honest, patient, instructive, and encouraging, supportive and I sense is more
than experienced enough to let me do things when the time is right. That is
really important to me and very reassuring.
St Matthews, Burnley
It might feel odd to
read this as the last month has genuinely been one of the most wonderful
periods of my entire life. The family is settled at our lovely home, ordination
is done, and I have a holiday to Turkey to look forward to. Yet taking on this
new role and one that comes with great responsibility and that realization has
struck home with great oomph over the last few weeks, there can be no turning
back, no return to retail and the autonomy to retreat to the safety haven of my
office when the going gets tough has gone. No get out clauses just a stark
realization that through my own submission to God I have committed myself to a
life as a public figure wearing a dog collar and following Jesus.
It is evening now and Holy Island was lovely and another reminder have had the privilege
to do some many wonderful things throughout my training and I have met some
amazing people, many of whom are now dear friends. I have visited some stunning
places and been in awe of some of the sights before me but this very evening
has been one to behold. Tonight at Durham Cathedral as the last stragglers, the final
tourist left this most amazing building, I and my peers from our theological
college went in. We had the cathedral to ourselves, it was beautifully lit,
very still, atmospherically stunning and once more I felt incredibly close to
my creator as a priest led us on a pilgrimage through this Holy place. And it
has left me feeling I don’t want this relationship to be exclusive. I want it to
be corporate and I want others to share in the happiness of a relationship with
someone that will not judge, will not criticize, will not gossip, but will love
and nurture you, and be the rock to a fast crumbling and eroding world and
sometimes frantic way of life. I wondered how I could encourage anybody who
reads my blog yet struggles with faith so they could do so.
Durham Cathedral
Durham Cathedral
And I came to this
conclusion God is ready if you are. You may be ready but frightened, you may be
curious but embarrassed you may be ridiculed if you told anyone and so on and
so on. Maybe you have tried before and found nothing; you may have experienced
before yet lost. Yet when I think about my own vocation it started with something
so simple, something so familiar and something I never thought would lead to
ordination. What was that thing do you think?
When I was about 12
years old no one in my family mentioned church or Jesus or God but for some
reason I believed in this ‘thing’ called God. The only thing I knew with any certainty
was The Lord’s prayer. So on my own
under the covers of my duvet I would recite the Lord’s Prayer. Every night of
my life from childhood I said The Lord’s prayer. I told nobody, never mentioned
it, not to my parents or my wife or my children till much later in our
relationship. I didn’t expect anything; I never asked for anything, I just
recited The Lord’s prayer.
Our Father
Who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done on
earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our
daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into
temptation
But deliver us from
evil
For thine is the
kingdom
The power and the
glory
Forever and ever
Amen
Theologians like to
discuss this kind of stuff, I just like to say it and I say it at least three
times a day now, but what about you? Do you say it? Do you have the courage to open
the door a little to God? Try it go on when you have read this blog try it.
Nothing might happen but stick with it, in due course it will!
Our Father
Who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Thy kingdom come
Thy will be done on
earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our
daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
as we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into
temptation
But deliver us from
evil
For thine is the
kingdom
The power and the
glory
Forever and ever
Amen
As I leave LCTP College and return to my Curacy, I leave The Lord’s prayer with you. One prayer and one small step.
Love and best wishes
Alextheanglican
Fr Alex
Frostie
Alex
Al
Rev
x
x
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