Baps and Bagels.

Oh hello it’s been a while!

So there I was looking at the baps and bagels in the reduced tray In Tesco shortly after Morning Prayer at church when I realized the error of my ways.

I entered the aircraft hangar commonly known as Tesco Burnley at the request of my good lady to get some toilet rolls and burger buns mindful that quality produce was necessary, as one was for eating and the other  for………. Well anyway as I traversed the travellator I checked all the essentials were in place, you know wallet, keys, phone, wallet, keys, phone, wallet, keys, phone ensuring that my double check has been complimented with a third and final check  reassuring  to one selves wellbeing that all was in order. But when I checked the money situation I was surprised yet delighted to find an extra ten pound note I didn’t know I had which was very pleasing which indeed led me to explore the attractiveness of a Tesco’s reduced bakery counter on a Monday morning.

I was feeling quite content after negotiating a rather busy period in my early weeks of ministry and this was the first diary free morning in some time. I have been doing all sorts of things of late and the variety in the job has been really great. I have been set free to baptise people without supervision something  that is a lovely marker in the sand to be entrusted to do something that is a special event in so many people’s lives. It is really an experience to be experienced and if I can offer a word of wisdom if you have an impending Baptism it would be for the ladies to wear at least a knee length skirt and not to eat crisps as the consequences of both can be quite off putting. 

Wearing the dog collar most of the time means meeting lots of wonderful characters like the lady who collared me whilst I was walking the dog, who gave me her interpretation of the Holy Spirit which was ‘interesting; and something I had not experienced in any text book or theological institution. When she asked what I thought, I was diplomatic and said, ‘Well, The Holy Spirit means many different things to many different people’ as I quickly took a pathway opposite to her and one I didn’t intend to go down!  Or the man or thought my Christian nature could extend to running him to Sainsbury’s because he was tired or the neighbour who inadvertently slips the name of Jesus into lots of our conversations like, ‘Jesus, things are well expensive’ or ‘Jesus, I’ve been so busy’. 

And the joy of being ordained is still wonderful but not without difficulty, like losing the skills of a life time in retail is not easy, being the new boy and learning new practices and new ways of working is unsettling and challenging but also fun even if you end up feeling a bit foolish from time to time. For example how daft do you think I felt when I asked of the Vicar, ‘Erm where do the green vestments go’? To which came the response came, ‘In the drawer that says green vestments’! Or speaking at the wrong time, or getting so engrossed in a service only to realise that you are the only person in the church still standing and everybody is looking on at you in a caring sympathetic and loving manner.  

At a recent harvest service I was rather tickled by the accuracy of a young boy leading a procession of infants back to school who waved at the Vicar and I and shouted, ‘Bye by you Christians’ to which the Vicar replied, ‘Yes that’s what we are, Bye by’. Or the little child who randomly told me in the middle of a lesson on the Egyptians in great detail what he was getting for Christmas!  It really is great fun going into the school where the children make me smile immensely.

One thing about being a Deacon is that the choice of wardrobe becomes quite simple the only thing that isn’t black these days is the collar and the underpants and if I’m that way inclined sometimes it’s just the collar that is white! That’s the stylish autonomy being ordained affords you, gone are the days when one could wear white socks to work! I fear my Anglo Catholic curacy is rubbing off on me as on a couple of training events I got the feeling people would be disappointed if I wasn’t dressed in traditional clergy wear although I am tempted to shock everyone by rocking up in a yellow shirt and black dog collar one of these days! It’s surprising though even though 99% of the time I dress and look like a vicar how many people ask ‘Are you a Vicar’? Frankly I can’t be bothered explaining the different level of Holy orders and so the generic answer is usually, Yes although I am tempted to say something like ‘no I am not actually I’m on a one man stag do’ !

Anyway where was I? Oh yes looking at the baps and bagels in Tesco. Well nothing took my fancy, the mass of Monday morning chapatti’s that were reduced to 29p didn’t inspire me enough to make a purchase and so turned on my heels and headed for the bottom wiping range a quarter of mile down the store on isle 724 ! On commencing the trip and considering breaking the journey up with a look at the fresh meat counter the realisation of what I done struck me! Ten pounds in my pocket, ten pounds in my pocket, why have I got ten pounds in my pocket????

My dear wife had kindly asked me the night before to get these items of shopping along with getting myself some much needed fuel for my little Chevrolet Aveo. And there it was fuel for my Chevrolet Aveo that was the moment when my whole future life flashed before my eyes. I had a vision of being locked away for life, stripped of my Holy orders and disowned by my family and new church community I would never fulfil the dream of being the Archbishop of Canterbury by the age of 47.

Alex what have you done?

SO the night before I got the fuel for my Chevrolet Aveo and as my wife instructed me I got some money out of the cash machine and entered the Spar garage intent on getting some rolls for our burgers and rolls for our bottoms, plus some carrots for our Guinea pigs but on entering, disappointedly the spar could only provide one of the three items I required, and there it was I turned around and left the shop completely forgetting I had put ten pounds of fuel in my Chevrolet Aveo .

As I negotiated the long walk to the loo rolls my anxiety increased I was almost sprinting to the isle and through the checkout, I dived in the car and did a risky 31 in a 30 zone in my haste to get to the garage before the police, police dogs, CID, anti-terrorism squad and so on and so on. When I got there I was relieved her majesty’s boys in blue were not in situe, all things were very quiet as I sheepishly entered the garage.

A voice said ‘I know why you’re here Father’ as she smiled at me. ‘Do you?’ I replied. ‘Yes, I saw you looking at the vegetables last night and walk out and get in your car and drive off’ she said. ‘Did you?’ I replied. To which she responded ‘Yes I did, and I knew you would be back’. ‘Did you’? I replied.

I was mortified the staff was highly amused, I asked to speak to the manager, in fact I was ready to plead with the board, the chairman and the shareholders of the Texaco empire to plead for forgiveness. Fortunately that wasn’t going to be necessary and I paid my debts and left the store with a sense of utter relief that Britain’s finest constabulary weren’t going to stalk out the house in preparation for a dawn raid!

So there we have it, the trainee Vicar continues to land himself in daft and crazy situations, thank God our creator has a sense of humour!

Till next time

May your God go with you?

Alextheanglican x